Manchester United Wayne Rooney To Join Barcelona?

It could happen, you know

Yesterday, the Mill stopped playing its favourite game – seeing how many crayons it can shove up its nose and then trying to beat that number – long enough to contemplate some of life's important issues. Are moral values relative or absolute? Can you really experience anything objectively? And what would have happened to Warren G, not to mention his rings and Rolex, if the Nate dee-oh-double-G had not showed up at just the right moment? All of those questions, and more, arose and aroused the mind of the Mill. But the real issue, the real humdrum conundrum that the Mill kept coming back to was just where will Wayne Rooney be balling come August? And would you believe it but a certain red topper done provided the answer.

Now before the answer is unveiled, a warning must be issued: reading this part of the Mill may cause you to blow your morning glass of Nasaa Organic Standard approved milk out of your nose, lose complete control of any heavy machinery you happen to be operating at the time or spontaneously self-combust into squillions of smithereens. So what is it? WELL WAYNE ROONEY IS OFF TO Barcelona! No, seriously. "Rooney is precisely the type of attacker that would fit perfectly into the system," honked a Top, Top Barça source, who has clearly never seen the striker strut his stuff across the hollowed turf over the last few seasons. "His first touch, movement, control and vision are phenomenal and if he comes on the market then the club are certain to try to sign him," the Top, Top source kept on honking. Honestly, the Mill is not making this up.

Sticking with Manchester United for the moment, David Moyes has such confidence and conviction in the abilities of Danny Welbeck, Javier Hernández and Wilfried Zaha to fill the rather stout spot left by Rooney's departure that within seconds of Barcelona's bucks arriving in the Manchester United account, he will be cap in handing it to the suits asking for a shiny new Edinson Cavani-shaped replacement. Cavani's luscious looks and to-die-for cheek bones are wanted on the yearly calendars by just about every club in the world from Galway United to Deportivo Azogues but Moyes reckons the idea of playing alongside Michael Carrick and Phil Jones – as well as a weekly cheque with more Os than a bowl of Cheerios – should be enough to convince Cavani to come and sample the cultural curiosities of Cottonopolis and its surrounding environs.

Over on the other side of the same city, it has dawned on Manuel Pellegrini that if he wants to keep his job and win the most premier league in the entire universe, his squad needs to consist of more than 15,000,845 attacking midfielders that like to drift out wide before cutting in and playing a neat little pass that Edin Dzeko boots into either the top corner or, more likely, a galaxy, far, far away. He is going to need the type of defender with a cool head, the type of defender who will not lose control of his emotions at the slightest bit of chippiness from a striker, the type of defender that can lead by example and be a player that the club can be really and truly proud off. And so Pellegrini has got on the blower to Real Madrid and asked them politely if Sergio Ramos Pepe is for sale. Los Merengues will say yes, oh yes, just as soon as they stop sniggering behind their hands.

Elsewhere, if you, like the Mill, believed that Shay Given's career could not sink any lower, then you were wrong, so very wrong, so very very wrong, so very very very wrong. Forced to play in Milk Cup games and unable to oust Brad Guzan, despite the American shipping more goals than the rest of the entire league put together last season, he is now being forced to go on loan to Doncaster Rovers. Speaking of Irish internationals with a track record of consistent performances, Aiden McGeady has become so sick of rassolnik and shashlyk, not to mention sel'd' pod shuboy and Russian politics, that he has been texting the Everton manager Roberto Martínez asking him if he is interested in his wing services. Martínez has replied in the affirmative and so it is only a matter of moment before McGeady pops on a plane and does one to Merseyside.

And finally, the Sunderland supremo Paolo Di Canio has boosted his team's chances of avoiding relegation next season after he told Lee Cattermole and Stéphane Sessègnon that they can dance their way around any pitch they like next season once it's ain't no Stadium of Light.

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